Wednesday, May 27, 2009


We go in to get training for Logan's MiniMed tomorrow afternoon. On Monday, we have a doctor's appointment at which he'll receive his new pump. He'll have a saline trial and at the end of the week is the last day of school. At that time, I'll switch him to insulin in his pump.

I have such mixed emotions. I've been dying to get a pump since he was first diagnosed nearly 6 months ago and yet, I still grieve for the change in his life. Sometimes, I ask "why us?" and other times, I just cry.

Will the grieving end? I still feel like such a novice at the Type 1 thing...will I ever be comfortable making decisions that affect Logan's body so much? I mentioned to my husband the other day that I honestly cannot believe that we've kept him alive and mostly healthy for this long...isn't that a horrible thought less than 6 months in?

I sometimes feel the pressure of this never-ending disease and weighing very heavily on my heart and mind. I have to stop my thoughts because it's just this eternal ring of 'what ifs' and 'why nots.'

At the end of every day, I thank God that my children made it through another day with no major catastrophies. I am so exhausted by the time we go to bed...I need a vacation from the diabetes and the worry.


  1. Yay for the pump! And sending lots of hugs and prayers your way- I know what you mean about the grieving. You're not quite 6 months into it and I think what you are feeling is completely normal. We're at just over a year and even though I have less moments of break down- I still have them.
    My husband and I were talking this morning about how good we felt about getting Jada through this current illness without a trip to the ER! I have had those same thoughts about Jada- that she is still alive and in good health-even a year later.
    Make sure you're making time for yourself- YOU are worth it!
    Lots of hugs and prayers from Alaska!

  2. Your emotions are normal and sometimes they will creep up on you just as you think you are doing well. I think that is the nature of a chronic disease.

    Good luck with the pump! It does come with a learning curve but we love it. Syd has the MM pump as well and it has made our lives easier in most regards. of course you are dealing with technology so there are the normal woes that go along with it, but overall, you will LOVE it!! Good luck!!

  3. Congrats on the pump!!! We all go through those emotions. I go through them everyday.

  4. Congrats on the jump to the pump :) I remember how exciting it was when Addy's pump arrived!!!!

    Just like blood sugars, living with this disease is full of ups and downs emotionally. We're close to 4 years...and I'm not sure I can say that it goes away. I would say that I have LESS moments of grief than I did when our journey first began -- but I also find myself going through cycles of "I can do this!" and "What am I doing?".

    I honestly believe those cycles are related to her numbers...when she's good, I'm good. When things are off...I'm off.

  5. I feel that same way most days. I can't wait to get Brooklyn on a pump!

    I am hoping that things seem to be a little less stressful with the pump. Good luck! I will be thinking of you!